I forgot to mention in my previous posts that this music video is what inspired me to start a blog. I think it has an incredible message, so I just wanted to share it with all of you!
So as I was reminiscing about my childhood I went back and read some of the journal entries that I had written back in Jr. High and some of them were pretty funny! I started off writing in them at night with a variation of "Okay, so freak!" or "So, okay freak!" and then I would talk about the flavor of the week (as in the boy I was crushing on that day). I was super boy crazy. like WAY cray! let me paint you a mental picture for a second- like one time a boy that I had been crushing on was walking home behind me and I didn't know it, and he came really close behind me and blew on the back of my neck (I think to scare me) and I came home and journaled about it and how he might like me too because of that huge romantic gesture. Another time a boy danced with me at a church dance almost every song and at the end of the night he kissed me on the cheek and I came home and journaled about my "first kiss" lol... you know what though? that one wasn't really that cray, he really did lead me on... like way bad! What a douche! I was also even kind of a stalker, one time I had a crush on this boy and I would drive past his house everyday (okay, maybe this happened more than once... don't judge me!) but a friend of mine started dating this boy and we ended up going bowling together one night because of our now mutual friends and my sister was driving him home from bowling and he was explaining how to get to his house, and she stopped him and said "oh I know how to get there." And drove him right to his house, the awkward thing was that he had met my sister that night, and he and I had never hung out before that so there was absolutely no reason why I should have known where he lived! I have admitted this before and I will admit it again, I was a weirdo!
As weird as I was, I kind of miss how excited I would get about my crushes. As I was reading about the emotions I felt around guys I liked I realized that I have not felt those things in a very VERY long time. I remember my first crush, his name was JJ Allen and I LOVED him! Seriously, if there is anyone that I have really truly been IN LOVE with, he was it! He moved into my school in 4th grade and when I saw him my heart stopped! He was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. He had huge ears that poked way too far out of his head (I LOVED that about him- not sarcasticly, really I LOVED his big ears, I thought they were the cutest things I had ever seen) and when he walked into my class he was wearing a Stone Cold Steve Austin T-shirt, and that was all it took, he had my heart! In fact, the first thing I ever said to him was "I like your shirt" and he asked if I watched WWF and I told him only every Sunday, Monday and Thursday! We became besties after that! The next year (in 5th grade) we were in the same class, and my teacher always sat us next to each other because he was the class clown and I was extremely quiet so she thought we would balance each other out well. It was absolutely the best year of my life. He was so funny, he used to pretend his calculator was a phone and I don't know how he did it, but he typed real words with numbers and I would laugh so hard. One time he started singing a Saturday's Warrior song in class and I really felt like I wanted to marry him. He was so disruptive in class that finally his mom had to come in and sit with him so he would be quiet and that made things worse because she would tell me these stories of how funny he was at home, like one time he was really tired and hungry at the same time but his mom wasn't home from work yet so he got a piece of cardboard and wrote "I'm hungry!" on it and punched 2 holes at the top and tied a string to it and wore it around his neck like a necklace and then he fell asleep on the kitchen floor. I was laughing so hard, his mom was as much of a class clown as he was! unfortunately, he moved away in 6th grade and I didn't talk to him after that :( well, I texted him back and forth for a little while when I was in high school because a girl I met at EFY knew him and gave me his number, but he was a lot different once he got to high school, and he stopped growing in 5th grade so by the time we were in high school I was 2 feet taller then him so it was never going to work out. One time I thought I found out where he lived and we were driving through the area so I asked my dad to drive past his house (as I often did in Jr. High and High school lol) and we found the house and my dad parked the car and got out, and I probably looked like a maniac trying to yell at him to get back in the car, but he went and knocked on the door and it was not his house thank goodness! My sister was rolling on the car floor laughing and when my dad got back in the car my sister asked him what he was going to say if it was the right house and he said he would have said, "I have something really special waiting for you in that car" YIKES! Praise the Lord that that was the wrong house!
I have had little flings here and there since then but it's like they say, "you never forget your first love" or, "the first cut is the deepest" hmmm... not quite sure where that was headed but you catch my drift. Every love since then has been a disappointment and I'm sure each one has had a little to do with the state of mind I have now when it comes to guys. The next boy I loved after JJ was Kevin and I met him at an after school club that my mom was in charge of. So remember that birthday I told you all about last post where I went running for my life because my sister showed that video of me dancing in the red football jersey? well what I forgot to mention was that, that night I walked into my house and my best friend at the time was "freak dancing" in my front room... with Kevin, my second love! She had met him that night and I had told her about him for like... 3 years! She knew I loved him and she freaked with him anyway! oh well, I really doubt I had any serious potential with him anyway. His half brother was pretty funny though, in retrospect thats the one I should have gone after! He was black (Kevin was white) and he used to sing, "all the girls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy" haha Damn...
The most recent encounter of love I have found myself in was because of an online dating site haha. I know online dating is a great way for people to meet other people, and I know a lot of people find true love that way, but seriously, the worst experience I have ever had! Here is the problem with online dating (maybe it's just like this for girls like me) the website I was on showed how many guys viewed your profile (like that is something to be proud of) and then it tells you how many guys "flirted" with you, which is pretty minuscule in comparison to the amount of guys that viewed your profile, so there is blow number 1 to your self-esteem. Then you realize the only men that are "flirting" with you are guys over 60-years-old! REALLY? I'm 25! I like em older... like 30 haha one guy was 80 something! GROSS, no thanks! oh and black guys like bigger girls so they were all about this, but I'm not hating on that, keep those ones coming! lol The only problem with that was that they wanted to marry me and take me back to Nigeria with them, and that wasn't gonna happen! There was one other type of guy that liked me, he seemed nice enough, so I talked back to him and we had a lot in common, the only problem was that he lived in another state so we started "dating" via the phone and text messages. That was a blast until I found his criminal record through google search and then it was all too catfishy for my taste. Needless to say I will NOT be signing up for anymore online dating programs in the near future! Call me in 5 years, maybe I'll get desperate again lol. For now, I'm good.
That brings us to the present, like I said earlier, I have not been excited about someone in a very long time! I think there are a lot of cute guys, but I just don't get tingles in my toes anymore. I thought I blamed in on men's choice in girls and thought that was the reason guys don't like me. My sister and her husband are always coaching me on how to "play the game" and they say it is confidence that I am lacking. But I realize now the reason I don't get a lot of male attention these days, of course they don't like me, who would like someone that feels so incredibly apathetic and indifferent towards them?! I have gotten so caught up in finishing school and going to work and now trying to get into a graduate program that I have lost all sense of emotion towards them. I realize now that this is my own problem and if I am ever going to fix it there are things I have to change about myself, the way I am living, the way I am thinking, and some of my priorities. I feel like going back and reading of a former version of myself had caused a lot of much needed self reflection and awareness that I have been lacking for a while! If you got through this incredibly long post thanks for sticking with me! Goodnight everyone!
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