Thursday, February 2, 2017

Live and let live: addendum

As I read and reflected on my last post, I feel the need to make some corrections based on the experiences that I've had the last couple years. Last post I talked about how society is "so judgmental" and "needs to check itself" and while I still agree with that, I don't so much blame it ALL on society anymore. Yes, we live in a society of superficial interactions and where "perfection" is the expectation and that sucks! It seems necessary to wear our masks and pretend like we have our shit together at all times, but maybe the facade is not so necessary.

I've come to see that society has as much power in our lives as we give it; I also think PEOPLE have as much power in our lives as we give them. It's funny because I remember how embarrassed I was when kids asked me about my weight when I first started working at The Children's Center, but then as time went on I realized how innocently they asked about it. At first, I felt absolutely mortified that they would even bring it up, but I realized it wasn't because they were judging me, it because they were genuinely curious.

I got comfortable with the questions they asked and even used them as teaching opportunities for things like, "people come in all shapes and sizes" and "we all look different and that's OKAY! We ALL have worth." It became an incredibly meaningful part of my life. So, why was I perfectly fine with the SAME EXACT QUESTIONS 8 years later? It wasn't because the questions were different or that children found a less offensive way of asking; it was because of me! My attitude and my perception changed. Talking about my weight was no longer a trigger for me because I took my power back from all the people who made me feel insecure all my life.

I love  the line in the Alessia Cara song 'Scars to Your Beautiful' that says "you don't have to change a thing, the world can change it's heart." I think that is a beautiful message, but more importantly than  the world changing it's heart, is YOU changing YOUR heart. Once we decide that society doesn't get to choose how we feel about ourselves, it's easier to love all the parts of ourselves; even the crappy ones. My opinion is that "the crappy ones" are the parts of ourselves that we truly need to accept and love because until we can look at those parts, we will always be hiding from ourselves.

Something I've learned about myself since going to therapy and becoming more self-aware is that I gave a lot of my worth to the funny, carefree, easy-going parts of myself. I thought that I was worthless if I wasn't making people laugh. Don't get me wrong, I still love making people laugh, but I've learned how to do it without hiding behind it or keeping people at a distance with it. It's amazing to recognize that I don't have to change anything about myself to be just as worthy of love and connection as every other person.

Along with feeling like I was undeserving of love and connection from other people, there was a long time that I felt undeserving of love from Heavenly Father. After I got home from my mission, I started making choices that pulled me away from Him and it's been a struggle to get back. After working through addiction and other challenges, I have seen that He has been there through it all and has loved me through everything, but it didn't always feel that way. There came a point when I prayed and told Heavenly Father that if I was going to have a meaningful relationship with Him, I had to stop feeling so much shame every time I talked to Him. The funny thing is that I don't think He wanted me to feel all the shame I was feeling, but for some reason shame and humility were the same thing to me; they aren't anymore.

When I was struggling with my relationship with God (that is what I called him when I didn't feel close to him), it felt almost like I was in an abusive relationship. I don't mean for that to sound blasphemous, but it was what I created in my mind. One of my therapist's once told me that "we are attracted to people who treat us the way we feel about ourselves because they reflect our own emotions." I have used that with MANY of my own clients in therapy because it is so true! I think that's what I was doing with Heavenly Father. I created Him in my mind to be a being who was ashamed of me and who thought I was lower than scum, not the perfect, all-knowing, all-loving Heavenly Father that he is.

As I have become aware and accepted the things about myself that aren't so wonderful, I have been able to have confidence in myself that is real. I've always thought I'm a confident person, but for the first time in my life I have felt a deeper confidence that goes past a good hair day. I still have SO MANY insecurities and plan on having some of them for the rest of my life, but I am looking forward to the continued learning experiences and growth that they bring! Well, I feel like I am giving a talk in church so Imma get off here before I start bearing my testimony, lol. Have a good night y'all!

No comments:

Post a Comment