Live and let live: addendum

As I read and reflected on my last post, I feel the need to make some corrections based on the experiences that I've had the last couple years. Last post I talked about how society is "so judgmental" and "needs to check itself" and while I still agree with that, I don't so much blame it ALL on society anymore. Yes, we live in a society of superficial interactions and where "perfection" is the expectation and that sucks! It seems necessary to wear our masks and pretend like we have our shit together at all times, but maybe the facade is not so necessary.

I've come to see that society has as much power in our lives as we give it; I also think PEOPLE have as much power in our lives as we give them. It's funny because I remember how embarrassed I was when kids asked me about my weight when I first started working at The Children's Center, but then as time went on I realized how innocently they asked about it. At first, I felt absolutely mortified that they would even bring it up, but I realized it wasn't because they were judging me, it because they were genuinely curious.

I got comfortable with the questions they asked and even used them as teaching opportunities for things like, "people come in all shapes and sizes" and "we all look different and that's OKAY! We ALL have worth." It became an incredibly meaningful part of my life. So, why was I perfectly fine with the SAME EXACT QUESTIONS 8 years later? It wasn't because the questions were different or that children found a less offensive way of asking; it was because of me! My attitude and my perception changed. Talking about my weight was no longer a trigger for me because I took my power back from all the people who made me feel insecure all my life.

I love  the line in the Alessia Cara song 'Scars to Your Beautiful' that says "you don't have to change a thing, the world can change it's heart." I think that is a beautiful message, but more importantly than  the world changing it's heart, is YOU changing YOUR heart. Once we decide that society doesn't get to choose how we feel about ourselves, it's easier to love all the parts of ourselves; even the crappy ones. My opinion is that "the crappy ones" are the parts of ourselves that we truly need to accept and love because until we can look at those parts, we will always be hiding from ourselves.

Something I've learned about myself since going to therapy and becoming more self-aware is that I gave a lot of my worth to the funny, carefree, easy-going parts of myself. I thought that I was worthless if I wasn't making people laugh. Don't get me wrong, I still love making people laugh, but I've learned how to do it without hiding behind it or keeping people at a distance with it. It's amazing to recognize that I don't have to change anything about myself to be just as worthy of love and connection as every other person.

Along with feeling like I was undeserving of love and connection from other people, there was a long time that I felt undeserving of love from Heavenly Father. After I got home from my mission, I started making choices that pulled me away from Him and it's been a struggle to get back. After working through addiction and other challenges, I have seen that He has been there through it all and has loved me through everything, but it didn't always feel that way. There came a point when I prayed and told Heavenly Father that if I was going to have a meaningful relationship with Him, I had to stop feeling so much shame every time I talked to Him. The funny thing is that I don't think He wanted me to feel all the shame I was feeling, but for some reason shame and humility were the same thing to me; they aren't anymore.

When I was struggling with my relationship with God (that is what I called him when I didn't feel close to him), it felt almost like I was in an abusive relationship. I don't mean for that to sound blasphemous, but it was what I created in my mind. One of my therapist's once told me that "we are attracted to people who treat us the way we feel about ourselves because they reflect our own emotions." I have used that with MANY of my own clients in therapy because it is so true! I think that's what I was doing with Heavenly Father. I created Him in my mind to be a being who was ashamed of me and who thought I was lower than scum, not the perfect, all-knowing, all-loving Heavenly Father that he is.

As I have become aware and accepted the things about myself that aren't so wonderful, I have been able to have confidence in myself that is real. I've always thought I'm a confident person, but for the first time in my life I have felt a deeper confidence that goes past a good hair day. I still have SO MANY insecurities and plan on having some of them for the rest of my life, but I am looking forward to the continued learning experiences and growth that they bring! Well, I feel like I am giving a talk in church so Imma get off here before I start bearing my testimony, lol. Have a good night y'all!

Live and Let Live.

     Well, it's only been over a year since I've written a blog post, so I thought it's about time. This is always how my journal's look, "well it's been another year, not much has happened.... yada yada yada." I've been thinking about a lot of different things lately and can't seem to get some of this stuff off my mind, so hopefully if I get it all out in the open I can move forward. I have been thinking a lot about the body image stuff that has been going around social media, and I think a lot of it is a step in the right direction. I recently went to a presentation meant for young women ages 12-18 called "Beauty Redefined" and I thought it was really well done. I've also been following the #effyourbeautystandards movement for a while and I really love that as well. Both of these movements are teaching girls and women (more generally), to love themselves and their physical appearance, and I think the is an amazing sentiment, I have been personally impacted by both of the movements and have felt a more positive sense of self because of them.
     Here's the problem, I think our society is WAY too caught up in physical appearances. Don't get me wrong, I think it's AMAZING that people in America are now fighting for the underdog, the girls that are picked on because of their body size, or their nose is too big, or their teeth are crooked or whatever else it may be (the list is endless). I have nothing but respect for those people! I just think it's unfortunate that we live in a society where that is even necessary. Who the hell has time to sit and care about what another person looks like? Also, who are these people that are caught up in others' appearances? What are they doing with their life?
     So I have been doing online dating for a little while now and it is seriously the most ridiculous thing I've ever decided to do, but at this point I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to it, so what are ya gonna do? Haha, anyway every once in a while a guy will comment with something really dumb like "your fat," first of all yes, yes I am, thank you for taking the time out of your day to take notice, and then leaving a comment just to make sure that I know. Second of all, if you're going to TRY to insult me (which that doesn't, it's just another fact at this point, like if someone said, "you have brown eyes" Yes, I know I do)  at least spell 'YOU'RE' correctly, I mean c'mon!
     Why do we feel the need to put others' down all the time? Are we all really that insecure about our lives that we need to make desperate attempts to keep ourselves above everyone else? That is really sad, and kind of pathetic if you ask me. If there is one thing I have learned from being in school to become a therapist it is that no one's life is ANY of our business unless they want it to be. People have a right to think and feel and BE whoever they want to be as long as they are not hurting anyone else. That includes letting people dress how they want to dress, eat how they want to eat, say what they want to say.
     To be honest, I sometimes get caught up in the negativity of how our society views of beauty and I start to feel sorry for myself and I think, "I'll never get married, "why can't I just be skinny" "I probably won't be a good therapist because I can't even get a handle of my own body issues" things like that. I was struggling a lot with that recently and felt like no one really understood how I was feeling, and then today in church (WARNING: Religious digression approaching) one of my friends was speaking and he read Mosiah 14:3-5 in The Book of Mormon that says: "He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely HE HAS BOURNE OUR GRIEFS, AND CARRIED OUR SORROWS, yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgression, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." That struck me because I realized that even though some people in this society may be repulsed by me because of my size, Christ knows what it's like to be despised by everyone, so he knows how I feel no matter what I go through, or what anyone else goes through.
     The point of my post is this: let's stop caring about what other people look like. Let's not focus on physical appearances, and give people a chance regardless of their outward display. When the kids I work with try to tell me something about someone else (tattling, and things like that) I say, "you just have to worry about you, let's let them worry about them" I would say the same thing to this society! let's become more introspective and focus on the things we really want, rather than worrying about everyone else around us. If I ever have children I would want them to be raised in a society where education and becoming intelligent is valued over being "hot" because appearance can only go so far. Live and let live, give everyone the right to be who they are without your criticism and judgment, and I will follow my own advise! Anyway, that is what I've been thinking. I think this helped! :) See you next time!
   

You can try, but you'll never forget her name.

A few weeks ago I was sitting next to a friend of mine at church and he asked me a question that I don't think he realized would have such a profound impact on me (nor do I think he even remembers asking me this question), he asked, "what do you want your legacy to be?" I struggled to give a response because I didn't, and still don't have a perfect answer. There are so many different things I have wanted to be in my lifetime and each thing has had a reason why. When I was younger I remember thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up and most of the time I thought I would either be a professional WWF wrestler, or have a "singing career", well I thank my lucky stars that neither of those dreams have come true! Then when I was in high school I was sure that I wanted to be a world-renound broadway sensation, but as it turns out I'm not actually very good at acting, so as far as that is concerned my dream is to SEE a live broadway show haha, I'll leave the acting to the professionals. I like to think that I live my life to the fullest, and I put my heart and soul into many things. I am happy about where my life has taken me to this point, and as I think back to the different personalities and characteristics I have possessed, I know my life could have potentially been much worse. As far as what I want to accomplish and what kind of legacy I want to leave, I am less sure of my ambitions. When I think about who I want to become my number one goal is to be a mom someday, and if I am telling the truth I thought it would have happened by now. Don't get me wrong, I love that I have been able to serve a mission, and get my Bachelors degree before settling down, and I hope I will be able to get a Masters degree and start my career before I have a family, but I am often terrified by the thought that I might not ever get married and have children. I have come to terms with the possibility that I am here to help other families grow closer together, and I am helping other people raise their children, but I'm not sure that is ever going to be good enough for me. Many of my most heartfelt prayers consist of asking God if I am EVER going to have a family of my own. I wouldn't be so afraid if I knew that somewhere down the road it is bound to happen, but I'm just not confident that it will. I think that is why it is so important for me to be successful, because if I am incapable of accomplishing the ONE desire I truly have, then I am going to make damn sure that I compensate for it by creating a different purpose in my life. So I guess the legacy I would choose to have is to be a great mom and I feel like if I ever become one I could be pretty good at it, I mean I scrapbook, and I can read with inflection, and I make Mac and Cheese taste awesome, what else is there!? lol but if that is not in my plan I want my legacy to be able to change peoples lives for the better. I want to live passionately, and travel the world, and become great at many things. Actually I want to do all of those things regardless of whether I become a mom or not! One of the things that I have discovered that I am passionate about is teaching, I have taught relief society in church for 2 years now and I love it! I knew I loved teaching people the gospel when I served a mission, but I had no clue I would love teaching a room full of women, in fact I thought that would be my worst nightmare, but I was wrong because I love doing it. I also love teaching teenagers and young children whether it is the gospel, or secular topics, I just love teaching. I also love learning, it is hard for me to think about a future time in my life when I am no longer going to be a full-time student because I am one of those weirdos who LOVES school! I hope I get into graduate school, so that I can prolong my procrastination of becoming an adult and getting a "real job" and no longer attending a university. I know growing up is inevitable, but I am going to fight it as long and hard as I can! Another passion I have is reading! Barnes and Noble is my Disneyland! Sometimes I think it would be fun to write a book, but then I think about the different 12-14 page papers I have had to write in college and think, "nah, that's okay" I'll leave that one to the professionals as well... for now at least! I have thought of becoming an interior designer, and have taken some interior design classes that were a blast, I have also thought of becoming an artist because I love drawing, painting, pottery, make-up, you name it! Although I love many things, my main passion is people, sometimes I try to be really cool, and think that I don't like being around people, or that I am an introvert, but that is not true. I love being a part in many people's lives in whatever way I can, and I enjoy being a helpful person, I don't find much purpose in keeping to myself and/or pretending not to notice that others exist around me, so that is going to be my legacy and devotion, to help others and lighten the load of those around me. I guess it's a good thing I chose Social Work as a profession :). Well thanks for reading! Have a good night everyone!

Symmetrical faces are not everything!

I love Christmas time! I love the snow outside, the music, the decorations, and I even kind of enjoy the full-time shoppers (even if they do make me have to park at the very last stall in the Barnes and Noble parking lot!) This is the first Christmas in a long time that it actually feels like Christmas! It didn't "sneak up on me", I can't NOT believe it's here already! I guess this is what it's like when you aren't a full time student, along with having a job! Everything moved a little slower these past few months because I wasn't constantly busy, but I am definitely ready to get back into the fast lane of life! I got everything figured out so I can take the prerequisite classes that I need, Thank goodness (and my mom)! I'm so happy everything settled down and I no longer have the stress twitch that I've had in my eye for the last 3 months, just in time for Christmas! 

So I've been thinking a lot about a documentary that I watched on the discovery channel (I don't know if I've ever mentioned this on here but I'm kind of a documentary junkie lol I watch random documentaries a lot haha) but this one was called "science of sex appeal" so OF COURSE I watched it! Who wouldn't with a title like that, but the more I watched it, the more stupid it became! It started off with discarding the notion that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and it talked about the symmetry of women's faces and that has a correlation to beauty, as well as a small feminine jaw, then it moved downward and pinpointed what is considered beautiful for each part of the body, and how women's waist should follow the 7/10 rule, it was crazy! There is no way in HELL anyone posses's every trait of beauty that they talked about! Then the documentary presented a study done by a University in Canada I think, they had 10 men and 10 women rate the opposite sex on a scale from one to ten but didn't tell the participants what number they received and they just had to start pairing up with who they thought they could get and it showed that 9 (boy) and 10 (girl) paired up and 2 (boy) and 1 (girl) paired up, and the study suggested that people pair up with the most attractive person that they think they could get. They explained that the reason people try to find attractive partners to is provide the best genes possible to their children. They even included the way women and men walk and smell and sound into their level of attractiveness. I don't completely disregard the validity of the study, or even the documentary in it's entirety, I do however, think and feel that a person's brain and personality has a lot to do with that person's level of attractiveness. I have set up a lot of people in my time, and most of the people I have set up ended up falling in love and getting married, so I think I have some insight as to what people are attracted to. I have only a few times set people up based only on "attractiveness" and guess how many times that has worked out... if you guessed 0 you are right! So what does attract people to each other? Do opposites attract? Or is it more important to have things in common? I actually think about this a lot, in a world with over 7 billion people and not a single one is the exact same as another, how do you find someone that you not only COULD live with for the rest of your life (or eternity) but that you would WANT to live with. How could you even know how you are going to feel about that person in a few years. I think marriage is one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp when I really think about it. I think all of my idea's of marriage changed when I was on my mission because I had companions that I spent everyday and every night with and only didn't see them when either one of us was using the bathroom (and sometimes even then... Sister Smith lol) but every single one of my companions was SO different from each other. I had nine companions throughout my mission and with each one there was good and bad. The first companionship I was with (besides the MTC) we were in a trio and both of those first 2 companions were very different from each other and from me! One of them was sweet and gentle and kind, and caring, she was exactly what I needed in a trainer! And the other one was SO funny, and carefree and fun to around, she made being a missionary look easy because she was having fun everyday. I loved being with both of those companions but when it was time to leave we all knew it was time to go because we were getting more and more irritated with little things that each of us did. The next companion I had was my direct opposite, she was quirky and spunky, and bounced up and down when she would be excited about something, and she compared herself to fictional characters, and was really funny, but we had to learn a lot from each other because we were so completely different and it made it challenging to understand where each of us was coming from because we thought so differently. After that I had pretty much hand picked the companion I wanted because we got along so well and she was so laid back, I thought we would be a dream team! I loved this companion, she was hilarious and fun, but I learned that I am not as laid back as I thought I was and I like to have control so it made it not quite as perfect as I thought that companionship would have been. The next companion I had was a blast! We really had so much fun together (this one is Sister Smith, who walked in on me when I was going to the bathroom one night, the funny thing is that we had separate bathrooms and I was in mine lol) but she was a hard worker and very obedient to the rules, and I LOVED that about her! but the trouble was that we were both pretty controlling, and she was my longest companion so you can imagine how 2 controlling people would get after 5 months of spending almost 24 hours a day together, we were ready for a change. Not only was the next companion I had one of my favorite companions of my mission, she was every person who had her as a companion's favorite companion! She was so easy to get along with, she did anything you asked her to do, she was hilarious and fun, and she really made my mission and other people's missions more enjoyable. When we were done being companions I was genuinely sad to be leaving her side, but if we had been together for another transfer I think we would have been ready for a change as well. After that I was in another trio and those 2 companions were a BLAST! They were both really fun, really hard working girls! Sister Robinson and I had been companions in the MTC and she was one of the girls in this companionship, when we were in the MTC together we had a hard time with each other, so I thought it was going to be a rough transfer but it was the opposite of a rough transfer! It was one of the most fun transfers I had in my entire mission! We had dance parties to church music and we got up at 5:30, 3 days a week to go play basketball at the church with the other missionaries in the area, and we had a blast together! But we were different in our styles and sometimes we would have conflict about which approach was better. Sister Robinson was very intelligent, and knew every lesson like the back of her hand and was ready to teach anyone, anywhere. I was a very follow the spirit and see where it leads kind of missionary and I could tell she would get kind of frustrated when I would leave the lesson to talk to people about unrelated things and I would get frustrated when she would promptly bring us back to the lesson, so we had a difficult time that way. And the last companion I had was a lot different from me because she was very nice but also very socially awkward, which is something I've never really been. So needless to say we didn't get along super well. Even before and after my mission I have had "companions" because at work there are 2 people who work in a room together and there are people I have gotten along with better than others and I can say with complete surety that I will NEVER, NOT EVER marry a 19-year-old girl! Lol I know those experiences were different than what it would be like to be in a romantic relationship (or marriage) because there are different feelings that you have towards people you are in a relationship with so it's probably a little easier to not get so annoyed at little things, but eventually everyone gets bugged. Although there were good qualities in every companion I had and even though I loved all of them, I was eventually ready to move on and experience the next adventure. I don't understand how people can feel confident enough to enter in a lifetime contract with another person. Maybe it is because I have never been "in love" that I feel that way, but I am just so freaked out by the idea of marriage. With all of those things to consider in each companion I have had or every relationship I have been in I can't imagine marrying someone because I think they are "the most attractive person I could get". Sorry future kids, but I am not going to marry someone who is lazy or incompetent or anything else I couldn't handle just so you can be the most good looking as possible! I want my future children be smart and kind and have great personalities even if their "levels of attractiveness" is compensated. Besides I want my future children to be raised in an environment where they know I love their dad because we get along so well, rather than someone who drives me nuts and I secretly can't really stand but is pretty hot (or at least the most attractive that I could possibly get). Maybe it's just me but I would much rather take someone who is educated, and caring, and loving, than someone with a symmetrical face and a good body! (no offense to those of you with symmetrical faces and good bodies!) lol

ANYWAYS! I hope you all have a MERRY CHRISTMAS! thanks for reading :)

Cold November Rain

Man, that was a crazy month huh?! Good thing today the last day of November! I'll give a little background information so you know just HOW crazy it has been! It all started the week before November, I woke up in a cold sweat panic but I didn't really know why, except for divine intervention and I looked online and found out that my graduate school application was due November 1st! So I had ONE week to get 5 letters of recommendation, write a 5 page autobiographical statement, write a 6 page critical thinking essay, and get official transcripts from other schools! Not to mention I was taking the GRE (the standardized test to get into graduate school) the next day! Needless to say that was a VERY stressful week... And the next week was worse. The second week of November I took my dad to his foot doctor appointment because he has had an infection in his big toe for a while. His appointment was taking longer than usual, and I found out I had to take him to the hospital to get his toe and part of his foot amputated that day, so that was scary! And the infection had gotten into his blood stream, so we were all really nervous, but he's okay now Thank Goodness! The 3rd week of November I went to the dentist to get a root canal that had previously been done before while I was in Texas but it was still infected, so the dentist said I should probably have a surgery done because when the dentist did it in Texas he broke his drill bit in my root so I got it surgically removed. Then this past week I found out I couldn't just register for classes (I have a prerequisite to take in the spring), but I had to reapply to the U because I already got my degree, and that would have been fine except that the last day to apply for the U was November 1st! But I got that all figured out... hopefully, so maybe everything will be okay with that! This week has been crazy because I very unintelligently decided to go shopping this weekend, and although there were some good deals I think black friday is a joke! I HATE that "black friday" starts at 6 PM on THANKSGIVING! Damn you Wal-Mart! I also went to Temple Square the day after Thanksgiving, also a joke! If there is one thing I can't stand, it is being surrounded by a shiz ton of people in a close proximity! That is why November has been a challenge for me. I have so many 3rd world problems! Lol I have been thinking a lot lately "at least I'm not Catniss Everdeen!" haha that may be because I just watched Catching Fire, such a good show! (but an even better book!) When I read that book I thought "this is gross, I can't believe someone would even think about this, I would never watch those people participate in this crazy activity!" And then the movie came out and I watched people participate in those crazy activities, knowing full well what I was doing! huh. Anyway, that's all I have to say, sorry there were no funny stories! There will be next time, I promise!

The recollections of a fat kids nightmare!

Okay, so freak! lol life as a child was not all rainbows and sunshine, sometimes kids are big jerks to husky, wide-eyed girls with a zest for life. When I was in 3rd grade, I was in a 3rd/4th split class and we had an assignment where we were paired up with someone else in the class, and we had to answer questions about the other person like "what animal does he/she remind you of?" which is a super fun question, except that it's NOT actually that fun! I was paired up with one of the most popular 4th graders in the school and he was very good looking, and sometimes good looking people feel like they can just say whatever the hell they want and it's fine. Anyway, I said that he reminded me of a tiger and he said that I reminded him of an elephant. If it were now I wouldn't get offended at that statement because I think elephants are magnificent creatures, but back then I took everything so seriously, and I was really upset about it, especially because we had to read our answers out loud to the rest of the class. I thought about changing the answer he wrote down and say like a bird or something but I was an honest person and said, "an elephant". We had to get our partner a little gift and I got him a carmel popcorn ball, and he got me an already used marker that was dried up. His girlfriend was in that class and she just lived a couple of houses away from me and she was a BI*&%! One time during class her and one of her friends kept asking me, "is it Idaho, or Youdaho?" and I was like "it's Idaho" and in my head thought "you idiots!" but they kept laughing every time they asked and I said "it's Idaho" (as in I-Da-Ho) and they said "yeah, that's right, you're the ho". At least this ho knows the 50 states with the correct pronunciations! So suck it! One time I was walking home from school, and I'll admit I wore some pretty weird clothes, this day in particular, but she stopped me when I was passing her house and pointed to my outfit and said "you can"t wear a velvet skirt and tennis shoes with a t-shirt and get away with it." I was like "okay. Thanks?" I never knew what to say in those situations, she had a point lol. I was an extremely sensitive girl, whenever I got in trouble at all I would start crying and say that I didn't feel good and that I needed to call my mom to come pick me up. The first time I got a "stop-and-think" as we called them in the WVC which is basically a 5 minute time out where we had to sit at a designated desk and do nothing, was when my friend's dad was substituting and the office came around and did a drawing for each class and whoever was picked got to get a free book and lucky me, they called my name and told me to come to the back of the room to get my new "princess and the pea" book! I was so excited I couldn't stand it! I jumped up out of my desk and started walking towards them with a big grin on my face and right before I got the book the substitute told me to go sit at the "stop and think" because he did not say that I could stand up. I was devastated! I could tell the lady from the office felt terrible for me, she made sure I got the book before I walked over to the "stop and think" chair, and I lost it! I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. I was so embarrassed and ashamed! That was a tough year for me... but then it got worse.

I was so excited to be going into 4th grade because all of the jerk 4th graders (with the exception of my homegirl Halee and a select few others who were not jerks) weren't going to be in my class anymore! Hallelujah! But little did I know the worst was yet to come. In 4th grade this boy Craig and his twin brother moved into my school, and Craig got put in my class and he became my worst nightmare. He and his brother would chase my best friend and I home from school, and were real big A-holes! I used to play chasing games on the playground and they started joining in the fun and they always made me be the one to chase everyone and Craig got everyone to call me "fatzilla" when I would chase them. haha I hated him! More than anyone on this planet I HATED HIM! The funniest part was that he was a pretty freakin big boy himself, WHAT A DOUCHE! It got so much better though because that was the year that JJ Allen moved into my school and into my heart! JJ hated Craig as much as I did and always stood up for me to him. JJ was a real life hero folks! At the end of the year Craig's brother said that the reason Craig was so mean to me that year was because he had a crush on me... I could care less because by that time no one mattered to me except for JJ. 

Jr. high was a weird time in my life because as much as I was picked on in elementary school I bit back those first 2 years in Jr. high! I was a horrible person! I tried to get into fights all the time and I would say really mean things to people. One time I was sitting next to my sister in ensemble choir and we were watching a video clip and one of the girls that was on the opposite side of the room went over and turned the TV so her side of the room could see and for some reason I felt like that was way inconvenient for me and said "ummm, do you wanna move that back?" I was out of control! I would make up really mean names to call people and was just a real big jerk! I wish those years hadn't of happened but I guess without them I wouldn't be who I am now. In 8th grade I was lucky enough to participate in a magical land called "Oakcrest" for all you Oakcrest lovers out there who felt like we had a real connection because of that statement just now, that was very VERY VERY VERY SARCASTIC! I LOATHED Oakcrest! I hope I never have to see, hear, touch, feel, smell, or taste Oakcrest EVER again! I could probably write a Taylor Swift song with the spite I feel for Oakcrest! here is why... Okay to get to this story I have to back up a bit. I moved to Murray in 8th grade and one day I was just done with Valley Jr. High, I was ready to say goodbye, so I picked a date with my mom of when I would transfer to Riverview Jr. High. So the day came and I said my goodbyes to all of my West Valley friends and my mom must have forgotten that we decided what day I would transfer over because the day after I said goodbye to everyone, my mom was just going to drop me off at Valley again and I told her there was no way I was going back there because everyone was going to think I was a lier about moving, so she reluctantly enrolled me at Riverview that day. So back to Oakcrest, I went there after I had just moved to Murray so I didn't really have any friends yet and most girls are placed in cabins with their friends, but since I didn't have any I was placed with random girls. One of the random girls that I was placed with I knew from West Valley, what I didn't know, however, was that this girl secretly hated me because she made the basketball team, but was kicked off when the coach found out that I was interested in playing, and she put me on the team instead of this girl. One night her and the other girls got up in the middle of the night and poured bug spray (as in opened the bottle and dumped it) all over my ass while I was asleep! I can not even begin to describe how furious I was. I got up and started yelling F-bombs at the girls and told whoever did that that I was going to kick their ass and I heard some of them start giggling so I started punching the walls and throwing things and going absolutely ape-shit. If there is one thing you never do, it's pull a prank on me in the middle of the night because I am not a happy camper (literally) at those hours, AND do NOT pour shit on my ass, I will fight you! ESPECIALLY if we aren't even friends! haha But THAT is why I hated Oakcrest! 

Even with all of the crazy ups and downs of childhood and adolescence, I still managed to love each step in my life. I know after reading these blogs of mine, you may think that I had the worst childhood ever and that I probably hated it. But I really enjoyed my childhood, I have a lot of fond, wonderful memories of my life, it has been a blast, but the good times don't make for quite as funny of stories. But I hope you enjoyed reading this! Goodnight y'all! 

Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out, honestly I wanna see you be brave.

I forgot to mention in my previous posts that this music video is what inspired me to start a blog. I think it has an incredible message, so I just wanted to share it with all of you!

      

So as I was reminiscing about my childhood I went back and read some of the journal entries that I had written back in Jr. High and some of them were pretty funny! I started off writing in them at night with a variation of "Okay, so freak!" or "So, okay freak!" and then I would talk about the flavor of the week (as in the boy I was crushing on that day). I was super boy crazy. like WAY cray! let me paint you a mental picture for a second- like one time a boy that I had been crushing on was walking home behind me and I didn't know it, and he came really close behind me and blew on the back of my neck (I think to scare me) and I came home and journaled about it and how he might like me too because of that huge romantic gesture. Another time a boy danced with me at a church dance almost every song and at the end of the night he kissed me on the cheek and I came home and journaled about my "first kiss" lol... you know what though? that one wasn't really that cray, he really did lead me on... like way bad! What a douche! I was also even kind of a stalker, one time I had a crush on this boy and I would drive past his house everyday (okay, maybe this happened more than once... don't judge me!) but a friend of mine started dating this boy and we ended up going bowling together one night because of our now mutual friends and my sister was driving him home from bowling and he was explaining how to get to his house, and she stopped him and said "oh I know how to get there." And drove him right to his house, the awkward thing was that he had met my sister that night, and he and I had never hung out before that so there was absolutely no reason why I should have known where he lived! I have admitted this before and I will admit it again, I was a weirdo! 

As weird as I was, I kind of miss how excited I would get about my crushes. As I was reading about the emotions I felt around guys I liked I realized that I have not felt those things in a very VERY long time. I remember my first crush, his name was JJ Allen and I LOVED him! Seriously, if there is anyone that I have really truly been IN LOVE with, he was it! He moved into my school in 4th grade and when I saw him my heart stopped! He was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. He had huge ears that poked way too far out of his head (I LOVED that about him- not sarcasticly, really I LOVED his big ears, I thought they were the cutest things I had ever seen) and when he walked into my class he was wearing a Stone Cold Steve Austin T-shirt, and that was all it took, he had my heart! In fact, the first thing I ever said to him was "I like your shirt" and he asked if I watched WWF and I told him only every Sunday, Monday and Thursday! We became besties after that! The next year (in 5th grade) we were in the same class, and my teacher always sat us next to each other because he was the class clown and I was extremely quiet so she thought we would balance each other out well. It was absolutely the best year of my life. He was so funny, he used to pretend his calculator was a phone and I don't know how he did it, but he typed real words with numbers and I would laugh so hard. One time he started singing a Saturday's Warrior song in class and I really felt like I wanted to marry him. He was so disruptive in class that finally his mom had to come in and sit with him so he would be quiet and that made things worse because she would tell me these stories of how funny he was at home, like one time he was really tired and hungry at the same time but his mom wasn't home from work yet so he got a piece of cardboard and wrote "I'm hungry!" on it and punched 2 holes at the top and tied a string to it and wore it around his neck like a necklace and then he fell asleep on the kitchen floor. I was laughing so hard, his mom was as much of a class clown as he was! unfortunately, he moved away in 6th grade and I didn't talk to him after that :( well, I texted him back and forth for a little while when I was in high school because a girl I met at EFY knew him and gave me his number, but he was a lot different once he got to high school, and he stopped growing in 5th grade so by the time we were in high school I was 2 feet taller then him so it was never going to work out. One time I thought I found out where he lived and we were driving through the area so I asked my dad to drive past his house (as I often did in Jr. High and High school lol) and we found the house and my dad parked the car and got out, and I probably looked like a maniac trying to yell at him to get back in the car, but he went and knocked on the door and it was not his house thank goodness! My sister was rolling on the car floor laughing and when my dad got back in the car my sister asked him what he was going to say if it was the right house and he said he would have said, "I have something really special waiting for you in that car" YIKES! Praise the Lord that that was the wrong house!  

I have had little flings here and there since then but it's like they say, "you never forget your first love" or, "the first cut is the deepest" hmmm... not quite sure where that was headed but you catch my drift. Every love since then has been a disappointment and I'm sure each one has had a little to do with the state of mind I have now when it comes to guys. The next boy I loved after JJ was Kevin and I met him at an after school club that my mom was in charge of. So remember that birthday I told you all about last post where I went running for my life because my sister showed that video of me dancing in the red football jersey? well what I forgot to mention was that, that night I walked into my house and my best friend at the time was "freak dancing" in my front room... with Kevin, my second love! She had met him that night and I had told her about him for like... 3 years! She knew I loved him and she freaked with him anyway! oh well, I really doubt I had any serious potential with him anyway. His half brother was pretty funny though, in retrospect thats the one I should have gone after! He was black (Kevin was white) and he used to sing, "all the girls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy" haha Damn... 

The most recent encounter of love I have found myself in was because of an online dating site haha. I know online dating is a great way for people to meet other people, and I know a lot of people find true love that way, but seriously, the worst experience I have ever had! Here is the problem with online dating (maybe it's just like this for girls like me) the website I was on showed how many guys viewed your profile (like that is something to be proud of) and then it tells you how many guys "flirted" with you, which is pretty minuscule in comparison to the amount of guys that viewed your profile, so there is blow number 1 to your self-esteem. Then you realize the only men that are "flirting" with you are guys over 60-years-old! REALLY? I'm 25! I like em older... like 30 haha one guy was 80 something! GROSS, no thanks! oh and black guys like bigger girls so they were all about this, but I'm not hating on that, keep those ones coming! lol The only problem with that was that they wanted to marry me and take me back to Nigeria with them, and that wasn't gonna happen! There was one other type of guy that liked me, he seemed nice enough, so I talked back to him and we had a lot in common, the only problem was that he lived in another state so we started "dating" via the phone and text messages. That was a blast until I found his criminal record through google search and then it was all too catfishy for my taste. Needless to say I will NOT be signing up for anymore online dating programs in the near future! Call me in 5 years, maybe I'll get desperate again lol. For now, I'm good. 

That brings us to the present, like I said earlier, I have not been excited about someone in a very long time! I think there are a lot of cute guys, but I just don't get tingles in my toes anymore. I thought I blamed in on men's choice in girls and thought that was the reason guys don't like me. My sister and her husband are always coaching me on how to "play the game" and they say it is confidence that I am lacking. But I realize now the reason I don't get a lot of male attention these days, of course they don't like me, who would like someone that feels so incredibly apathetic and indifferent towards them?! I have gotten so caught up in finishing school and going to work and now trying to get into a graduate program that I have lost all sense of emotion towards them. I realize now that this is my own problem and if I am ever going to fix it there are things I have to change about myself, the way I am living, the way I am thinking, and some of my priorities. I feel like going back and reading of a former version of myself had caused a lot of much needed self reflection and awareness that I have been lacking for a while! If you got through this incredibly long post thanks for sticking with me! Goodnight everyone!